not that the kind that
shine, I do my best when
I can
I'm alright
but I'm not ok
Inhereted a
chemical romance
My, my, my
wat am I
to truly be?
Not this
Please not this
I'm so sick
of my goddamn self
I tire of my own show,
it's always reruns
I'm a lie
living jus to exist
and waste some value
I am not real
but my reality is
There are times I
feel as tho my 1st
memories were already
fabrications
fiction I lived
with every summer
season's end turning
to ashes
smokes out the sky
but now my sky
is liquid
They are taking my
possibility to enjoy
anything, ever
to fully embrace
the challenges,
mental they may be
I have 1 memory
of my true maker
and it's bad
but it's mine
it's wat I got-
her style, size, and attitude
Dad gave me
my temper
I jus didn't know how
to harness it
still don't really
Early buried trauma
helped make me this
and She is really
only a picture in a book
or a character in a
story, some where
I'm there but not present
too young to recall
I was totally pure then
there was not rot
before my memories started
Truthfully it was a
strange sort of gift
I embraced that life ends
I wasn't scared after
and death has always felt
like a safety blanket
I no longer feel cheated-
I jus don't believe in "God"
Thank You Elaine
Did I miss out on it?
No question
we would've been
the best worst duo
however the universe decided
that it wasn't to be
I don't believe in
an after life
but I like
to think You look over me
thoughts of my inner child
who wants so much to
believe...and tries to
Do you believe?
It doesn't matter
it's mine to hold,
deep inside
truly deeper than love
buried in my bad thoughts
so no one can find it
I'll share wat I want,
when I want
Jus like She would
I carry on for Her
the legacy of a lost soul
who everyone seems to love,
sincerely seeming to
not jus cuz she's dead
In darkest moments,
I feel the pang
I gently touch the hole
that's always been in my heart
I think of every wrong thing I ever did
and wonder if you jus let me
Learning for myself
and failing frequently
I don't want to
feel this way forever
but middle age approaches
and I'm not ready
I'm not an adult
I'm kinda jus nothing
not dust in the wind,
more like
dirt in your teeth
I ask myself
did You ever hate
Yourself?
photos show you smile
eyes squinted selfie
before it exsisted,
often found with
a drink and
great t-shirts that I envy
I wish we could have
been best friends
instead I jus get stuck with your's
Thank You Elaine
See? I have Her humor
I have Her taste for
entertainment and books
I don't have Her intelligence
but I have one thing better
I have one this You didn't
I had Your undying love
til the day You died
even if I don't remember
it's always there
it's wat guides me
You are my North Star
an intangible Polaris
who enjoyed Northern Lights
Thank You Elaine
for being cool
it gave me the only chance
I ever had
it was a hand-me-down
I had to grow into it
Now I hafta grow
up and as a person
guide me in Your
very strange way
this is my way of asking
Someone I feel I
never met
but I'm in stories
with, who I am
but am I real?
Is anything or anything Is?
Is it all a hologram? Implanted?
Is it a coma fantasy?
Are we jus an animal's dream?
Do sheep dream acoustic androids?
Am I making sense?
Not at all-
thus my point
I bet You wore
existenstialism well
I know Dad doesn't
You're inability to stay
fostered in me a
slow burning grasp that
this life, shit or not
it's all a mystery
a journey to some end
riddled with ups,lows
pain and confusion,
feeling alone and scared
it's the reason they
created alcohol
happy is hard so
We are all on drugs
we truly need vices
You understood this
Thank You Elaine
She lived, and still does
I wish I had Your strength
and we were sharing
a cigarette, smiling
so I light this one for Her
thinking to myself-
I Love You Mom
I Miss You
Thank You Elaine
exhale and extinguish,
empty my ashtray
