Lemon Saccharine

There's a way to see
the gate to Heavens
It is to look upon
her eyes
in them, you can see
a clear day
and on a clear day,
you may see
Forever
4 Evers, as you are
Earth & Water,
Fire & Wind
She is shining
we rotate around
her warming glow
my SuperStar
I can be your Warhol
if you will be my Edie
we can be heroes
as long as our
love stays greedy
Green leaf and lush,
like a forest built...
jus... for....us
Only us, for
we are the only
we are the royalty
we are the dreamers
who can turn your Golden
into nightmares
It doesn't bother us,
we barely break a sweat
All it takes is a drop
of her strength
to feel untouchable,
Invincible at times
but no longer feeling invisible
or pointless
Every time there is a point
sometimes hard to gauge
but always it's gotten
There are still flaws-
always there will be bullets
that missed, and you
hope for a ricochet
No one is an island
unless self-created
these are only
temporary clogs
not enough to stop the cogs
so the gear is always delivered
We load up
nightmare fuel and
haunt you
We're secretly jus vacant
and we don't care
careless in this
that we make ourselves
sick over
one last caress
is all we truly want
All that's needed is her

Well, I Guess This Is Shutting Up

Scoundrels, all of you
Trust No One has
never been so alive
the world is
against us but as
of late it's even
more so me
Fuck did I do-
have a heart?
and feelings
of true affection?
Now I'm affected
infected, infested
with the bullshit
pouring out mouths
of so-called friends
who, in my so-called life,
don't deserve to
be my associates
they deserve to be
stuffed full of
the pure manure
that they spew
Now I allow my
days to be darkened
or hope to black
them out
cuz there's no painkiller
ever strong enough,
no pill can numb
me enough or
make me as dumb
as these fairweathers,
soaked in ether
They mean nothing,
so why am I
allowing this power?
I can't get sucked in
but down I am going
to a cold, lonely,
and dark place
where a version of
myself that I don't know
dwells and whispers,
filling my head up
combination of questions
and bad ideas
I jus wanna be
totally irrational
and do something I
might regret... might
Make them all float
I need to smoke something
to get out of my head
the rolling process is
soothing, as is the smoke
As always, while exhaling
I wonder to myself
'Why am I the asshole?'
because we have similar
interests and I get
to kiss her? Really?
She is an adult,
fully capable of making
her own decisions
and she did
She choose me
I feel so sorry
for your bad case of
unadulterated, unfiltered
jealousy... and honestly
it's jus sad
We are all adults here
I'm no worse or better
than any of you
except my motivations
are based on my heart
and my feelings, wat I
know is true
You jus want wat
you can't have
so you talk shit
cuz it's all you got
Oh plus
you already lost
Maybe try shutting
the fuck up
it'd prolly help you deal

When I heard the LEAN'd astronomer

Everybody scream or shriek
Everybody sleep
Awake in the a.m.
but don't speak
Jus eat
Doubt not
for we consume the
weak, and
as with the week
gone before a blink
Leaves changing
She's changing
and he is in
the waiting area,
same outfit on
Buckets of rain
build up
too heavy to empty
we jus let them
runneth over
We will never see
a miracle
We will be lucky
to see a mirage
And I can never tell
if my head is above the sea
or slightly below surface
I'm always breathing
water
my lungs will
never clear
Dampness in my walls
has lead to early on
set rot
molding and crumbling
constant irritants in the air
cigarettes my only filtration
dehumidify my heart
so my eyes may finally clear
Screaming at walls
well, it got me nothing
til I saw only blood red
dripping like the moon
we can never catch
a star, try is fail
shame of life
I'd like to burn up
with a handful
of the heavens
immolate to vapors,
extracting my essence
making a sense
of permanence
and allow my former
to exist on and on
But instead
I must wait
and decay like
all the rest
I am not special
I am not meant to be
a cosmic entity
I don't play the role
of eternal light speed
I didn't even get
a call back
So I wait with
my race, sad and
confused and lonely
All jus holding on hope
for a crystal ship
and true ascension
these crutch dreams
are nice and all
but still we are
failing,
falling to piece
with age and ravage
Major Tom never returned
we had to become something else
We are not interstellar,
particles of light fractions
We are living flaws of biology
nature's animals fractured
We all want to be
Supernovas when
we aren't even dead stars
most of us never
even fully live
esp not to potential
Maybe once I believed
in our ability to
become celestial
but I no longer dream
it never did any favors
Now I'm one of the others
Slightly evolved
typical animals,
melting pieces in the
sunlight
shredding apart every
nightfall,
all of us waiting for the Big Sleep
floating aimless,
We're all so very tired

fear & self-loathing in lost places (May Cause Lousiness)

there's no room to sleep
with no downers
Ritalin stole my focus
so off to the
concentration camp
Every day lessons
of an uninteresting struggle
light a cigarette
and prep a shot
time to kill pain
time to kill yourself
(slowly) Go slow
warning flares go up
and we all fall down
some a lil harder
face first, no breath
How did she survive?
I saved her with
pure luck
but for a few, all
seemed lost
so we did another
and stayed up all night
no Addy or 'vanses
jus fear
and self loathing
we got American ideals-
Red flag
White powder
Blue Dream
we are the new
Americana
bills to pay/pills to take
Bored in the USA
so we go to the Dr
and hope for a
spike in life
a flash of color
monotany is a killer
always kill em
like our brains'
cells ain't chillum
writing with my G-Pen
waiting for the Xanax's
arrival, needed calm
may cause lousiness
but we die for the feel
be it static
or electric, lacking
the proper tools we are
digging our own graves
with each spoon
full of dirt
always wet, hardly clean
always on, hardly keen
art damaged hip hop punks
bouncing about
We are the weirdos
we jus get by
and need some relief
an escape route
from ourselves
life's waiting room
has only Time to read
Dr, Dr
take us to church
Our Lady of Initial Onset
we plead, we prey
living half-life,
Is it ever gunna be enough
or does this existence
ever suffice?
taking up residence
in a Suffer-agette city
cuz it's easier to
love the empty spaces
when you hate yourself

2Gone 2GAF

Popping 'pins and Old Tommy
crush half in the end of my glass
Sip it semi-fast
getting semi-sonic
I'm feeling West Coast
where's my del Rey?
Lost in the marina
running AC cuz I can't
decide a temp
I'm fuct
but not right
More liquid
prolly not more pills
Vaping my very last
praying for the fresh sack
Needs that
but we smoking a rez chunk
Lottadab in it
Larsen got it out
he's rewarded
Gin and orange soda
is it even good?
Nothing better to do
than eat pieces of pills
And drink spills
keep the soundtrack going
Orange goblins we sip
to keep the pills kicked
Midnight City on repeat;
that sax tho

straight Brown.. Danny, the sound

half missed cotton shot
using a Burberry knockoff
to tie off
not too rough in the hit
I must be echoing smith
I jus wanna be a cool kid
but old with no reason
its over- football season
so I pump myself with poison for relieving
drinking on benzo, no spring break
I want to grow up
so I limit my pill intake
tonight tho, it was time to drank
til I feel like Drake the Snake
singing with the body slam….
on that chlonzapam
listening to Fidlar
thinking hot damn
I got to proclaim
these Johnnys did their thang
I'm feeling like the right murder
so I keep drinking to go further
pills booze weed dope
Please hammered don't hurt em
have you seen her? In fact
one last time before the clack
It all went black
and I lost my place, lost my sack
it was so loud but
not going back
this is a scene
made by an arms race
some come and get your love,
others get shot up
and ascend above
the vein is the pain
and the only way to sustain
the rest is plain

like Twister, but standing up and with drugs \***/ SWIM Along

up and down and up
they going
like moods and plungers
Out with the old
In with the new
Habits
need a lil
bit of red
The world is
black and white
unless you add
your own shade-
I'm partial to green
and a sensible brown
Call it a balanced breakfast
for the off kilter
we are the willing
we gamble,
don't often win
but if we wake up
we can try again
Baby you could
never look me in the eye
reality was too real
this vacation was
warranted, you can
sail into the dark
once the blood
flows back
Meet me on the solstice
we'll dose each other
and cheer the new season

**********
**************
*********

Come on over
and do the Twist
let's get lost in
our very own haunted house
We've got a
swimming pool full
of bad decisions and
a lifetime to make them
lie in the grass,
burning it down
like a house and my
head won't stop talking
I think I need a shot
and I'm all out of liquor
Fleetwood Mac on vinyl
cotton fever in the tub
thinking 'ain't life grand?'
these salad days,
they wilt too fast
good times getting
gone and I'm scared
to drift too far
I cling to these
life raft moments
hoping to keep my head
above this
boiling water and
stabbing yourself
This is pleasure
the full world is a drag
and the real
pulls you into place
I don't like the feeling
of shackles or this
quickly resetting sun
It'll be dark soon
and there's, sadly,
no night swimming
KIDulthood ends
ready and willing
or not, it doesn't care
watches and wait
til you drink your
defenses down,
til you finally
feel comfortably numb
not caring so much
almost a passive
acceptance
I want to be able
to dip my toes in
for as long as I'm able
you gotta be willing
to make a splash
Sometimes all it is
is jus leaping
eyes narrow open
this fear of Fear is
self Loathing disguised
manifests in erratics
when it's all overwhelming
and I feel like whining
Unwinding is the key,
a dip in the pool
you can see the heat
rise off the pavement
so clear blue water
is heavensent
coming down is
only for rain
Took some stuff
that made us feel
like extraterrestrials
acting like an Alien
jus needed to soar
jus need it, too sore
pushed away the pains
of a pure heart
Let's act less human
for our own good
lay on our backs
with the sun warming
our bellies, content as cats
We smoke then
light a cigarette
splash around, rippled
feeling wavy is better
wading in our waters,
wetting their world
I'm happier letting
the whirlpool take me
cuz bitch don't kill my vibe
and never messes my high
Off the diving board
plungering head first
in those few seconds
I'm soaring, my fear
begins to get faded,
catching up to the rest
relax into the rush
I needed so much
and our time in the water
is always quality
It's my habitat,
where I wanna be
I see the bottom of
the pool, fractured
and brilliant, not unlike
people I know
like-minded and alike
similar souls
We were the weirdos,
out of step outcasts
in a hopeless place
come and get your love
a quick dunk, fully submerge
Purify your purity
defy wat you were taught
We're down til we're
underwater
but there's no solo
Marco Polo
so join us in the far end
won't let you get
too deep
take the break
and have a drink
We're all friends here
in this swimming pool
we all float...
You'll float too

I wanna be Harmony Korine

crashing, burning
Never learning
I will always be your burden
and your beast
No release
I'm off the leash
an odd disease
infect infest
There's no sleep here-
hardly ever rest
unless you prefer
silence in your chest
a gift I may bless
upon you if you wish
Poison in kiss
Poisonous eyes
Lana, you, and I's
we Born-to-Dies
need to accept
inevitable demise
Despise icons
Bury your friends
Drug away the pain
Drink in amends
bitter ends
and bittersweet pills
Sugar and syrup and
a god who kills
Thrills & Chills
in Technicolor
til we see the credits
and neglect each other
Caine's brother
not Able
Its the brown to white
like food on our table
Slow or quickly
do you wish to trick me?
Til its all that's left
a sign says Kick Me
it's permanent
and permanence
is worse than your
'eaven's essence
The stench of fail
will prevail
long after we set sail
on a crystal ship of fools
we drink til we sink
there are no rules
They gave us the tools,
taught us to use them
Gave us the meds,
naturally we abuse them
A is for Adderall
H is for... you know
M is for Mary J,
show how we roll
P is for 30s
but O was as well
X is Xanibars
and Life is for Hell
hot in here?
how could you tell?
Sweat in our eyes
love in our veins
Soft lil lies
help pulls the reigns
We Can Slow
but why the fuck
would we want to?

"Everytime I try 
to fly, I fall 
without my wings
I feel so small"
- an angel by the name of Ms. Britney Spears

Waiting Room

We both wake up
wanting some medicine
and after almost
forty minutes, we
finally admit this
She gets up,
heading to the bathroom
to splash water on her face
I light a cigarette
and reach for my phone
type out our request
press Send
a very tense few moments
and the news is
semi-bad
A 2 hour wait
to see the doctor
this is time we don't
want free-
we have other needs
She sighs a lil
when I update her
and I echo the sentiment
We don't know wat
to do with ourselves,
both jus lie there for awhile
staring off
Conversation is
unwarranted, I'm pretty sure
couldn't if we tried
Check the clock,
not liking the results
We put broken up
green plant in
a piece of paper,
then put a match to
its end, smoking it
kills a tiny amount of time
I do feel a bit better,
jus not enough
Do things that
bored people do,
like doodle on paper
and set the rest of the
matchbook aflame
Air is thick
with apprehension
I really love this-
edge walking anxiety,
staving off insanity
She begins to slowly get ready,
taking time with her make up,
I light the roach
and listen to
"Ultraviolence"
at a volume I think
won't be annoying
no need to upset the balance
we are trying to find
Wishing and dreaming
that I could make
a Valium effort,
I watch her
apply eyeliner,
with a dazed distant look
She's got the
darkest eyes
she's in shades of cool
and I'm on fire
this feeling, our
kit to bear
and it feels heavier
than Heaven,
brighter than Hell
we sweat out
all our annoyance
Both of us feeling
'Sad Girl', its words
astute
then my phone
vibrates, a sound of hope
She looks at me,
saying a million things
wordlessly
I can see her heart race
in those dark, made-up eyes
I check the progress
and it's good good things
I set up the appointment
and we spend the next
10 minutes in a frenzy
scrambling, and stammering
both of us walking close
to snapping
In the car
We drive with purpose
the world needs to
get the fuck out
of our way
Nothing anyone is doing
is as important as
wat we are
We're trying something here
godspeed us to the ghetto
We arrive for
our check-up,
leave our co-pay,
and pick up our
prescription
Impatience takes hold
and we find a side street
any one will do
parked sketchy
in front of a house
I tell her keep watch
Begin the ritual
I cherish so,
starting by taking out
a spoon and Q-tip
While cooking,
I tell her anyone comes,
jus act confused
and ask if Cindy lives there
perfect plan, I think
as I get red flow
from my hand
bang it goes
and I sit back
It creeps up slowly
and it is not bad
I make her's up,
since I see the pure desire
looking at me
After a mild struggle,
all systems go
she sits back and
I watch it take hold
She whimpers, almost
orgasmically... I love it
We are both changed now,
the versions of ourselves
we choose to be
We know we may not
be living "right" or the way
the world wants
We are filled with poison,
beauty,and rage
We're not sick
but we're def not well
and we don't care
my love and I
have made our choices,
we stick to our guns
Wat is a life
without conviction?
So you don't like it?
We don't like your choices
or your lifestyle
we don't care about our own folks
and clearly we knew
the risks and troubles
Gimme Danger
YOLO Twice
Experience your Experiment
these and more are
things we say
on the ride home,
almost as if to
reassure ourselves
but we know in
our hearts and we
use our brains
I smoke my third cigarette,
relaxed and manic
all at once
then I look over at
my Trash Queen
she smiles, eyes all iris
and asks "Wat?"
I say it was nothing
but it never is,
jus this time
it's not a negative
opposite in fact
I look at the window,
staring at the world
speeding by
I have no desire to
fit into it
I'm not a part of their "world"
and for the 1st time
I couldn't careless-
I found my place
now I know
where I want to be
I reach over and take her hand
She utters a loud "Ow"
cuz I accidentally grabbed
a recently used sore spot
Somehow I always do

feeling blue on the Red Line

Taking the train at 7am
maked me laugh
All these early morning
commuters, looking so
unhappy
Its the start of their
workday, they've barely
been awake
Meanwhile I'm
on my way
back home,
ready for bed
and hoping for sleep
My night is over,
they all jus got dressed
We both have
the same tired in
our eyes
same look of lost,
jus set apart
by the brain's
perception of time
my Post Meridian
while the sun's up
There are times
I find myself
curious if any of
these day jobbers
can sense I'm not
one of them?
Do they know
I'm still awake?
sure I nod a lil
but
so don't some of them
Do I give off
a vibe or look
a certain way?
a particular brightness
in my face,
one they can
no longer have?
At least a few
must notice
this difference
Someone sees it
and they hate it
they resent me
Cuz they are
slowly commuting
to their work and schools,
their 9-5s looming
on the quickly
brightening horizon
They know no escape,
all attempts
are futile and insufficient
so they hate
all that isn't them
I am not one of them
and they are aware
of this fact
the spite is almost
palpable in the air
and it's aimed at me
Cuz it' the early morning commute
and I'm going to bed

a Day to (not) Remember

THC is a lifesaver
but today I need a
pharmacopeia...
'ceutical bliss
I dream
To hear the ocean
on Oxycodone
wind in my face,
weed complimenting the
Adderall in my veins
a voice screaming
"The future is yours to be written"
I concentrate so hard,
I change its pitch
and tint the color of my sky
Head in the clouds,
hand full of cigarettes
Enough Lortab
and I can shift the sun
Running up that hill,
a feeling of freedom
in my demeanour
I float above my body
in high quality disassociative
and High Def
a higher dosage,
melting fossil fuels
frying cells that
I never wanted anyways
I feel infinite
from some wallflower's Percs
finder's keepers
I laugh crazy,
almost maniacal
I know the lisdexamfetamine
is coming on, slow
As it metabolizes,
binds to the Diazepam,
I get a feeling
as if I am
riding towards pure sunset
the half life of D-laud
keeps up this joy
and
I am jus warm enough
to shiver

burning between us

She says she's
stopping for cigarettes, do
I need anything?
But all I want is her
Here
Near
This is all new,
these feelings
it's overwhelming in
the best sense
I text her that I'm
going to smoke
across the street
Now I hurry back
jus to message
when before
I took my time
Now I rush
for the rush of
mere electronic talk
Princess comes
and picks me up
Into her room where
we barely sleep, eat
we hardly leave
cuz we have no need
We have our own
world, where
2 becomes 1
yet remains 2
I've never been more
afraid and comfortable
I've never been so
much myself
Darling jus does
something to me
Brand new and familiar
I am a schizophrenic
over her
but its fun,
even the bad
isn't so bad
We lie on her bed,
joint burning between us
discussing how
their world will view us
"They will never understand our passion,
  They fear our emotion,
  They despise our happiness"
She exhales professionally
and says
"Fuck them-
 They could never be
  this awesome"
and it feels real
my heart pumps,
not only from our
pharmaceutical intake
It's cuz
I know that
Only we can
I ask about forever
and she says "Yes"

Wat we talk about when we talk about Mom

I am my Mother's son
not that the kind that
shine, I do my best when
I can
I'm alright
but I'm not ok
Inhereted a
chemical romance
My, my, my
wat am I
to truly be?
Not this
Please not this
I'm so sick
of my goddamn self
I tire of my own show,
it's always reruns
I'm a lie
living jus to exist
and waste some value
I am not real
but my reality is
There are times I
feel as tho my 1st
memories were already
fabrications
fiction I lived
with every summer
season's end turning
to ashes
smokes out the sky
but now my sky
is liquid
They are taking my
possibility to enjoy
anything, ever
to fully embrace
the challenges,
mental they may be
I have 1 memory
of my true maker
and it's bad
but it's mine
it's wat I got-
her style, size, and attitude
Dad gave me
my temper
I jus didn't know how
to harness it
still don't really
Early buried trauma
helped make me this
and She is really
only a picture in a book
or a character in a
story, some where
I'm there but not present
too young to recall
I was totally pure then
there was not rot
before my memories started
Truthfully it was a
strange sort of gift
I embraced that life ends
I wasn't scared after
and death has always felt
like a safety blanket
I no longer feel cheated-
I jus don't believe in "God"
Thank You Elaine
Did I miss out on it?
No question
we would've been
the best worst duo
however the universe decided
that it wasn't to be
I don't believe in
an after life
but I like
to think You look over me
thoughts of my inner child
who wants so much to
believe...and tries to
Do you believe?
It doesn't matter
it's mine to hold,
deep inside
truly deeper than love
buried in my bad thoughts
so no one can find it
I'll share wat I want,
when I want
Jus like She would
I carry on for Her
the legacy of a lost soul
who everyone seems to love,
sincerely seeming to
not jus cuz she's dead
In darkest moments,
I feel the pang
I gently touch the hole
that's always been in my heart
I think of every wrong thing I ever did
and wonder if you jus let me
Learning for myself
and failing frequently
I don't want to
feel this way forever
but middle age approaches
and I'm not ready
I'm not an adult
I'm kinda jus nothing
not dust in the wind,
more like
dirt in your teeth
I ask myself
did You ever hate
Yourself?
photos show you smile
eyes squinted selfie
before it exsisted,
often found with
a drink and
great t-shirts that I envy
I wish we could have
been best friends
instead I jus get stuck with your's
Thank You Elaine
See? I have Her humor
I have Her taste for
entertainment and books
I don't have Her intelligence
but I have one thing better
I have one this You didn't
I had Your undying love
til the day You died
even if I don't remember
it's always there
it's wat guides me
You are my North Star
an intangible Polaris
who enjoyed Northern Lights
Thank You Elaine
for being cool
it gave me the only chance
I ever had
it was a hand-me-down
I had to grow into it
Now I hafta grow
up and as a person
guide me in Your
very strange way
this is my way of asking
Someone I feel I
never met
but I'm in stories
with, who I am
but am I real?
Is anything or anything Is?
Is it all a hologram? Implanted?
Is it a coma fantasy?
Are we jus an animal's dream?
Do sheep dream acoustic androids?
Am I making sense?
Not at all-
thus my point
I bet You wore
existenstialism well
I know Dad doesn't
You're inability to stay
fostered in me a
slow burning grasp that
this life, shit or not
it's all a mystery
a journey to some end
riddled with ups,lows
pain and confusion,
feeling alone and scared
it's the reason they
created alcohol
happy is hard so
We are all on drugs
we truly need vices
You understood this
Thank You Elaine
She lived, and still does
I wish I had Your strength
and we were sharing
a cigarette, smiling
so I light this one for Her
thinking to myself-
I Love You Mom
I Miss You
Thank You Elaine
exhale and extinguish,
empty my ashtray

where was June?

I was adrift
lost in my head
Floating on,
Falling down
then I saw you
caiught your eye
and I loved the
way you looked at me
finally I feel
redemption, salvation
is possible
Jesus Christ, girl,
has never seen anyone
so perfect
I die for your sin
and carry this cross
Grind my teeth as I bare
it, all broken yet
I still want to smile
I want to feel warm
I want so much to believe
I want the american dream
I want the potential nightmare
I want this
I want you

still KIDS

I can feel you withdraw
with every drawback
It's a symptom
the chronic illness
of the daily world
Duality and symmetrical
we all live 2 lives
feet planted apart
It keeps us together
Humanity makes no
sense to me
but I don't think there's blame
to place
it's inherent vice
Chaos undefined
the random plot points
twists and turns
we can never know
Jus play guessing games
Sometimes the path of the night
is completely altered by a
quick car ride
when I come in
she cuts me down with
Ice Blues
aloof and suspicious
Asking questions
she already could answer
I try to explain
the unpredictability of life
Destiny turns on the radio,
you listen to the song
Rusty and high
I fail my philosophy exam
I know I made sense to her
at some points at least
but she dismissed them
and I can't make much case
She's only so mad
at my state
but I saw the look
in her eyes,
cold and deep set
It send a clear message
her eyes told me
she wasn't in the mood
to listen to my incessant,
inane chatter
my trite lectures
and never ending side stories
I can't blame her
I wouldn't enjoy it myself
I tell her
No need to be so dark
plus
I hate competing
with you
A flash of faint smile
and I leave her be....
for a lil while at least

To love is to die
but its better than 100 lives
that lived to old age
It's more perfect

good good things that are bad for me

Needless of the needles,
I need less of these pills
Dream stealing spansules
that's removes my chill
Try to remain still
maybe it won't bite
wait it out there's
So many hours in the night
2 hand flick me off
mocking me with tik tok
Socks it to me
with every half watched movie
and a night of flight
with thoughts unruly
It chose me to love
and when I try to pull back
It pushes to the edge
and hopes that I'll crack
an unfulfilled wish
that somehow contributes
to my hopelessness
Hopesick and close to home
I opened all my veins
I let you in my heart
and you left me in remains
Now I am piecing scraps
left behind
Looking for a part
I know I'll never find
Jus carry on
and get along
Remember everyday is
is a new day for it to all go wrong
get lost in yourself
deep inside
and mourn the missing
and things that died
Stay medicated
Stay alive
and wait the dawn's coming
slowly slipping,
tripping, out my mind

holidazed and Confused

green burns
and it's brighter than Xmas
better than a Bday
fucked up like
a New Year
explodes in you
like July 4th
midnight on Halloween
and you eat
like Thanksgiving
Easter candy
is no match
for unMemorial Day

a 4/20 Valentine

generation joint

6 a.m. Saturday
I stepping into crisp morning
april but not yey 20
my head full of tranqs
lungs full of THC
my stomach dissolving
my last sip of beer
I go to find Ms Green
at watever trippy scene
if she's therethen
the others are frustrated
Bored in the USA
I jus want to wander
barefoot in the woods
despite the chill,
the idea feels cool
instead I return to the
oppression of indoors
my spirit stays high
but caged
and i take more medicine
and remember who it is
I truly love

(fruit-flavored weed + four .5 pink K-punch)= Fruit Punch

you can kiss my mouth
I'll down my beer
using it to swallow
K marked pills
taken by K-Mart people
we lean in
like the dirtiest of South
but we both kno this
is all downhill
and about falling
it's reflected in our eyes
we made it out
but the otherside
was only worse
jus a tattered American flag
and burnt out fireworks
you and I attempt to keep a dead
celebration alive and kicking
but we are not AMPlified
we went so many miles
now maybe we should sleep
entwine in narcotic slumber,
wait out the dull early a.m.
fuck the dawn
it kills the mood
she rolls me a smoke
tho she doesn't want
extinguish my cigarette
in our ashtray monument
we walk empty,
decacent streets
riff raff and trash and us
I overt my eyes
pull you closer
safety/teamwork
I swallow another K dot

(Dr. I might be certifiable
but I'd surely die, alone from her)

and tell her she's my only one
She smiles,
replying that I have the
Darkest Eyes           
door reached, stairs ascended
light on, blinding after bar neon
she drains her last vodka nip
then went to pee
(for the 11th time)
I changed and went to
our room, where I
put 'Aladin Sane' on
sit on the bed, eyes fuzzed
I light the paper
breathe, jus breathe
a botanical taste fills
my mouth
light cough repeat
astral projections
and feelings of
connects and neurons
she comes in to room
her warpaint applied
I exhale, she
socks it to me
my heart swells,
my brain swirls
then we embrace
side to side
and we kiss
her cherry lips graze
my strawberry ones
and
in that moment
time stops fully
and we never unfreeze
we stay this way
til we wake
bake in early heat
the sun was high
so was I,
her also
and it's all I ever dreamed of...
even in my sleepless nights

night, Stalker

Darling,
sleep the sleep
of infants
serenity will find you
all you imagine
you dream
a rich tapestry
of sublime
unconscious desires
this fuels your waking life
helps you thrive
I see it make you stronger
so I must take it
I want the light
in your wide open eyes
I want the gift of rest,
to know a world of dreaming
to live on that side,
however fleeting,
is worth this cost
this violation
sometimes innocence is lost
sometimes it dies
but all that matters
is my base primal desires,
an almost animal need
the hunt turns feeding time
and it will equal sleep
slumber is my reward
for my time, my effort,
my love
pure red-blooded emotion
we only hurt
the ones we love
and Darling,
I love you the most
you're so well-rested and pretty
you look good in blue
red drips over your white skin
it's my American Dream
we shall be together forever,
entwined and connected
my sleep shows your dreams
we shall breathe and live
the same
we are one when
your soul has been consumed
like a midnight snack
I'm so very hungry
and so very tired
go to sleep Darling
and let me rest

I am WAR

this is heartbreak warfare, and I have no fear
tho I kno I cant win when you're near
but I no longer care if you're here
I'd much rather clear the air, my dear
and watch you turn deep blue
choking on it like you can't chew
my hands over your face like 'achoo'
this is the only thing that's true
between me and you
now that it's thru, for a fact
I gotta put some tact in my plan of attack
cuz there's no going back
even if you wave me in
the sin of your skin isn't worth the chagrin,
the bruising, and all of myself  I'm losing
now I'm carefully choosing my final solution
a plan of action with a planned reaction
to put your heart in traction
your soul is only a fraction
and I question the whole attraction
I mean the way you played me,
you must really hate me
and I jus thought I was going crazy
Oh well, baby
that's jus how dark
these days can be

See you again, this side or the Other

hey now hey now now
sing This Corrosion to me...

then tell me you'd die without me
and I'll die in front of you
Your voice is the gun, song was a bullet
deep is the wound in you
but im inside it
forever, you and me
til the world burns
or we are jus
lost and mechanical
animals alone
with our wilderness taken
away from our paws
Knowing you has dulled
my instincts
and yet I'm evolved
and evolving still
I'm also dying
slowly, sweetly
I lie bleed out
on the red carpet
it mixes well
like we do
accepted mortality
I know who killed me
cuz I let her
I loved it
I craved it
and I let it do away
with me
but only my body
physical form
But I live on
I exist in your darkest hours
and in your sunniest moments
I exists in your pain and faults
I exist in your mind's eye
and your heart's memory
in everything around you
we were matched and touched
our 2 tattered black souls
I am too connected
I cannot jus slip away
or fade away
we are always now
even if I never see you again
I'm with you
I am you
I'm your tears, your strengths
I'm your's
I know I'm leaving
but I'm not gone
remember the good
embrace the bad
let me stay with you
invite me in
and I'll watch over
I'll take care
forever loved
so I'm ok with
my morality
and end of living in this world
soon I'll be a particle
occupying the space around you
I am the sparkle
in your eyes
I'm your bad decisions that turn good
I'm your past, present, and future
when you are lost
so am I
But we'd be even more lost
without each other

ShootingStar

there is no final hour
when you Die Fun
you were here,
then you're not
no goodbyes
you don't hafta live fast
even Dr. Thompson got old
but he lived hard
I want to walk'with the King
to share the sun
and know the clouds
make it all happen
get real
Heaven is a silly belief
heaven is the right combination
Hell is even dumber
hell is this life
this life is pain
pain must be killed
we learn that from an early age
Mom kissing your cuts
was the pill of youth
well, you're no longer young
and you're not as much fun
it's ok to miss it
it's ok to feel left behind
Football Season isn't over
but you fear being benched
"I can't go on, I'll go on"
so you play hard
hit the ground, making tracks
and you leave it all out there
blood sweat tears on the floor
the crowds, the lights
they are pushing you
it stirs something in you
and you go the distance
Then in your finest moment,
your MVP season,
they all see you, see wat you did
you are Golden
Forever
and it kills you...
snap of the fingers, jus like that
you meet your maker,
which is nothing
your number retired
jersey in the rafters

Epitaph reads: Died Fun
and they all know,
they all...

not so "Pretty Please"

we the godless savages
are alone together
familiar
and desolate
desecrated
devoid of the need
for higher power
jus the need for
the power of higher

for HST

I'm so Tired of Foil

2 days worth
amphetamines
now my mouth is sore
cuts and swollen sliced tongue
My teeth sharper
than before
sucking my cheeks
is akin to razor
blades in Candy Apples
all the sick spreads
salt in the wound
won't help us enough
And I have nary a thing
to numb
too numb

Woke Up Like This
with none of that
Glamour
I came to from
a pure Blackout

3 days with
insomnia
til the drugs no
longer help
they've reached plateau
acting placebo
but they're real deal
so I kno it's jus
me who's ineffectual
tasting feels now
like electric pain
voltage in each breath
I jus can't chew
no nutrients and
a total loss of vitamins
Waste away
from getting Wasted
but at least the calories
are empty in

a Visit to Her Closet

silver foil balls
blackened hands make for
black-marked walls
"I hope I die here"
she casually remarks
that's not the worst idea
I tell her
"let me give you death
in all of its
shapes and forms"
the color red goes
well with black
so you will be opened up
not for amusement,
but because
We Must Bleed
til the sins of the world
fill this 3x5 space
it may be your tomb
but never your
final resting place
Happy Bday, have a hit
but you should wait
to exhale,
hold it in
til you can taste
the sugar of your
last breath...

how sweet it is

Scorched Earth Policy

amphetamine dreams are movie scenes on silver screens
beauty screams to tae your place, help you save some face
quit it now or run the race, always running in place
slow pace, slow day, slowly these thoughts go astray
do your best to break on thru, Jim Morrison is blue
wat I can't quite do but you can, I believe it's true

deLUXe LISBON

Darby Crash overload
one more minute and we implode
no more time to fight or scold
let the flood release, we hold
hands thru the plan
we make no demands
Our Deal,
we wait for sweet lovely breath
to exhale
and sweet lovely death could be real
we set sail on muddy water
and we steer quite clear, I swear
Hell jus got hotter
as I flush from the rush
give your cheek a brush
yet you're cold to the touch
and blue are your lips
I lose my shit
as your soul slips
away you went and left me behind
since you're gone
 I stay high all the time
I hafta be so I can feel free
to be as lost as me
sobbing to an empty room
no one's there, only you cared
Loneliness is a very empty tomb
nothing Golden can stay
and I let you slip away
so  I must drown
my tomorrows today
left to question
staring at the sun
wat will happen to the smoke I've become?

"watever it was screwed you up big time"

Mediocrity may be my curse
but it can always be worse
got no aspiration, smoked all my motivation
prayers for inspiration
a momentary spiritual vacation
all I ever wanted... guess I got it
too much, too fast and I,ve rotted
Haunted
dead eyes at the world peering
I remain not seeing, jus hearing
not aware in the stare, sights, passerbys
my useless wandering eyes
see no future, see no prize
these days my thoughts try  to
dance to a better beat
and when I dance thru the past I hope
your graves at my feet

Dodger Allen

shoot the white girl, twist then twirl
put your world in a whirl
an uphill hurl, exploding like a bomb
pull back that work and jerk with calm
slow down some... yea right hardly
doing shots so hearty it's like a college party
a spot-on track mark, black heart is back hard
with a score to settle so we all get Metal
iron soul white devil burns a hole to a new level
hang on, game on, holy shit it's the same song
all balled up on the floor I sing along

you can heart me but I can't return
you need to learn I only love the white girl
and how she burns

Blows against the Empire

I used to have a heart
say anything to take me back
to the start, that's a cold play
so handsome and smart
too true to feel brand new
now that's the best part
a crack in the cart
to all those in denial
shake and bake and whip the vial
let it cool a lil while
then bag or blaze
you could do wat you want
or you could do wat pays
went the wrong way and disappeared for days
Cocaine made me David Blaine
it hacked the mainframe
with a virus I couldn't contain
now I'm snowblind on Violet hill
tho I'm freezing I need to chill
no power left in my drill
and nary a sleeping pill
eye shut with only force
so sets in the remorse
I beat myself like a dead horse
of course, of course

3-13-13 (Chrissy DaGGer's Crime)

Your Eyes are of blue stone
cold enough to be my home
your mouth speaks pleasures unknown
It's so much better now we've grown
cut to the bone, I was alone, not looking
you came around I found I'm mistooken
thinking love was not worth hooking
you stole my heart, you lil crook and
I don't fault you or exalt you
I jus hold on cuz I want to
I don't run but I don't stay
no need- I see I'll be pulled your way
your Golden hair could be sunshine
that I bathe in inside my mind
you're something girl I jus can't define
and honestly I ain't trying
me and you and you and me
all I ever wanna be
is you and me and me and you
like one person split to two
I don't talk this to pretend I'm great
I talk like this to pretend it's fate
and when we wake up from this dream
that's exactly how it'll seem
but it doesn't matter wat's there when we wake
plus you kno we always sleep in late

Child Star Trajectory

It's oh so sad
how they crumble,
Wax & Wane
burning with a comet's light
burning out at light speed
Set for crash landing
cracking the structure
in the stratosphere
the Parents akin to
robber barons
and psychotic Dream Chasers
the golden years left behind
so they astral project
on the offspring
who grow in a different
Atmosphere
strange wilderness up
in the night skies
no place to go
but up and down
this rollercoaster life
on a doomed rocket ship
swallowing Pills
to maintain gravity's pull,
thru gravity's rainbow
a drink or 2 before the war
to steady the Nervous
all System go on
must show the
Bleakness and Blank spaces
til it's jus dead air
but they are memorialized
in Memorex,
tragic in pixels
the silver screens of their
Legacies reach the end credit's
bu that's Houston's problem now
Fade to black Hole

In the Vali, she's my Lily

Long stems on her petals
my perfect flower,
Her de Culture
She's no rose-
but who would want that?
they're commoners
She is not a tulip,
tho she has these 2 lips
I kiss them, drunk off
the bite in their taste
never a carnation,
thru my fascination
I have learned she can be
the prize in your eyes
or your frustration
She will never be a daisy,
tho she feels brand new
orange-y clockwork crazy
she's the one- Heartbeat,
Moon & Sun, deadly as a gun
She can stun while for cover I run
all of it is all for fun

Final Summation: none
She's a lily, that's all
jus a Lily