"It's cool to be unmoved by everything"

boredom
disinterest
feeling under-joyed
lack of concern
and sometimes,
jus sometimes I wonder
is it a side effect
of the drugs?
is there a clinical
answer?
a scientific method
for the lost and the wretched
Better Living thru Chemistry
but we are nothing more
than chemicals
jus add water
our minds- they're not ruined
our minds- need the distraction
our minds (not so) secretly
hate us
a mild disconnect
there's an imbalance
in the chemicals
like Valium and Vyvanse
mixed and rum-soaked
thus remains the question;
are we coming or
are we going?
going insane- perhaps
going to extremes- always
going the way of dinosaurs- potentially
going to Hell- there's no doubt in my mind
my mind that hates me

Moira's Eye

hold my gaze
devil before me
look deep into me
demon of mine
I will get the utensils
my sword and shield
I will heat up
to cool off
with relief, with teeth
I have become
wat I wasn't, nor wat I want
but nonetheless
I have become
with your permission
this which you allow
in your infinite, ancient wisdom
you have blessed me
I will feed you
and when you are full
I will stare you down
hold my gaze devil
til the mirror breaks

Defracting

light over the sharpness
light reflects danger
light is not the same now
light is the enemy
light is destroying my life
life behind the sharpness
life refracts the danger
life was never sane before
life is killing me
life of my light

Ian Courtesy

I dont wanna hang around

with isolation

no heart, no soul

I broke bad

she's lost control

now my stash has dwindled

no more unknown pleasures

so now I'm choking

on all this atmosphere

epileptic fits of depression

an ideal for living

record repeats and skips

I'm swinging away

new dawn fades

closer, closer

closure, shadowplays                                             

with my mind

it has torn me apart

much like love and drugs

a means to an end

dead souls in glass

the interzone, insight

warsaw substance

my neck is stiff

failures haunt my dreams

disorder

on the day of the lords, 

a novelty

transmission passover

I remember nothing

(see how many Joy Division refs u can find, Answers Located in the Back)

Sensi-spiria

she uncovered the truth

of her mind and her situation

tried to embrace her fear

she dances around

while witches watch

she twirls for them

and grows lost

afraid, running thru halls

away from corpses

and the maggots in her diet

she's so hungry

confused, but she is strong

she can make it to the end

be the final girl

you're paranoid of a coven

or is it your imagination?

you may never know

Damn that weed was some fire... I think I'm growing paranoid

You're Next!

it's cuz i love you

that i wear the mask

my aim is true

fso run fast from regret

or it will bury you

we deserved better

so the deserved fear

loathing, fuck this world

it's too dark

so now i am too

heavy metal broke my heart

now i must break you

you're next

on the chopping block

and i'm sorry i'm

just not sorry

it's this way of life

how we live now

we must purge

free this beast within

and go towards the light

life drains from your eyes

i have removed the mask

i let it drop

Lushury

stagger about 

with my swagger out

two-stepping with one eye

on fire tonight

we burn the throat

what fun we were having

when what we did was secret

another bottle down

we take turns to drown

in an ocean of need

we want, we desire

there is no shaking

til the next mourning

but for now the sun is gone

but for now...

Dramatic Recreation

War Hole Superstar

no atheists in the foxhole

but silver lights the Warhol

so amphetamine god

film film film me

turn it on

I'm feeling brilliant

turn me on

quiet again,

I am resilent

call Edie up

give her back the note she left

the factory is closing

fame's 15 minutes are up

empire is crumbling

and falling into the underground

Nico-tine smoke

for your Candy, darling

Marilyn will have the soup

new York is a black hole,

my white dwarf

and everyone wants to know-

Who Shot Ya?

HSinPH

hot summers in personal hell
where the walls sweat
and the woodworks swell
the sun burns 1000 degrees
smolders the foliage of the tress
waving at us like a breeze
walk amongst us, all of these
living dead or dead and living
there's no reprieve, we're unforgiven
was this always?
I can't recall the beginning
dance away the days in heat
avoiding molten pools at your feet
hot coals can't compete
with an average walk
down the street
air all a-swelter
I fear there's no escape,
no shelter
blinding lights, life hard to see
an eternity of a burning me
summer vacation gone wrong
turning us into rust
we're smoke away like an angel's dust
true til death where we pray to dwell
with these hot summers in personal hell

Ibprofound

Throbbing of
night spent drinking
I burn alive
inside
with sickness
but it's my own
fault
so many faults?
Sometimes I wonder
if this is real life
cuz I feel
the fantasy should be better
so we imbibe
we try
to perservere
so we get numb
blowing smoking rings
and twist off caps
the glory days are
behind us now
where were you
when you realized
your moment had passed?
maybe you haven't realized
yet...
but you will
and it will hurt
so you drown
drown in it
and drown yourself
the bottle calls
the pipe beacons you
fill 'er up
drink it down
it's your medicine now
first aid kit
take the train to
Vomit City
and enjoy the ride
friended or alone
it's how we live now
now that we're old
sleepless insomniac nights
made possible thru liquids
then you burn down the house
and wonder where
to lie down
something spinning
something's changed
inside you
submerge it, burn it
waste away idle time
you never know how
much you got

10 MIA

A Fast Pill
dissolved caffinated,
Blown away with the
endless cigarette smoke
Choke, Cough
Take off
I go upward
and expand
Universal,
if not galactic
I can feel heaven
in sights and smells
Bodies celestial
and oh I can feel it
I dont fear it
I can feel rising tides
and the moon
Waxing
Waning
Willing
I become Major Tom,
Part of Sagan's saga
Hawkins with a hawkeye
there is no
such thing as finite now
There is no blood,
nor body
No veins or bone left
Jus spirit,
Pure essence
which is essential
I am essential,
eternal, exquisite
I am everything
But I am not a god
I am only a
Microcosm
metaphysical and
messed up
Disassociate, disconnect
falling Forever
I have reached Omega
lifted my right hand,
the left was
pitch black, dead
like stars...
Burning Bright and
burning out
This is the end
of transmission
and the division of joy
sets in, settling
seething
Now I understand
where I stand and no
Reason
shouting out at me
for my return
I am no longer Saturn
I'm reemerging
Earth
Reborn, Reform
and displaced in
this Place
Was this once my home?
so I open the door,
take a seat at the table
Opposite of Stable
for I am lost
once again
I kno I'm back at
the starting line, ready
Willing
and Able
Resurge, Resurrect
I adjust the contrast
Balance the color, lighting
Adjust the set
and the setting
Unsettling
I'm settling
back in My Body
See for a minute
I lost myself
and the Amphetamine
wore off

Is there anyone left in the World tonight?

shimmering
streetlights are my
only companions tonight
as I voyage
bland, forgettable
streets
leaves rustle
over childrens' chalk drawings
that now seem
long forgotten
Forgotten is how
I feel
wandering the vastness
my medium-paced
beating heart is
the soundtrack to my
loneliness
no man is
an island, yet
I feel almost
shipwrecked
I am adrift
in this sea of
suburban concrete
my shoes are the piece
of debris I cling to,
they keep me moving along
when I jus wanna drown
all this silence
is strange
I never thought I'd miss
Human Noise
but for this
moment,
I do
there's no chaos
there's no clamouring
there's no rats racing
there's no
nothing,
jus nothingness
it all feels so
infinte
and still I'm
on the edge
does that make me edgy?
it's not so much
a nervousness,
more of an uncertainty
it's never like this
here, it's
not supposed to be
I never should've
wished this
I did it
to myself
prices are paid
when dreams are made
and now I feel haunted
there is a weight,
not of regret,
nor of sadness
it's the crushing weight
of emptiness
the knowledge
and the knowing
that you
are amazingly alone,
terrified space
is wat you
call "home" now,
it's your world now
so do as you please,
do all that you wished
until it kills you
Was it
worth it?
Is this happiness?
you won't kno
there's no set standard
anymore
jus the silence,
jus the loss of being lost
the fact of your
self-inflicted exhile
is pushing down on
your heart
Do you think they
will miss you
you wanted to be
Tom Sawyer
but now,
you're jus Robinsoe Crusoe

Goodbye Gemini

even with these
all consuming feelings,
it started off so nice
we made our escape
to a place of our own
dreaming
but then she made friends
one for each of us
to while away our days
clubbing, playing games
all we had interest in
and it took us to new places,
new highs, deeper lows
the night is young
and you're so beautiful
Goodbye Gemini
you will be missed
wat they took from you
how they played
the loss, shame
self-hate, blame
never fades
2 lit candles
on the animal's shrine
and robes of bed sheet
blood splattered her
and "father" sliced half,
makes her nervous,
makes her breakdown
let her run
it's time for you to return
to the room
that space where
I was destroyed
they're looking for us
but right now there
is only me
she has betrayed
all of this all
is all her fault
uniqueness of our relationship,
our special bond
2 halves of 1 whole
when she returns
I know wat I must do
even if it kills me
and she comes running
when she remembers the place
I'm scared for her
as she is of me
you can't leave dear Sister
I must stop you
by the throat...

no one is coming
I'm sad for this
blowing out the pilot,
I feel the vastness
and the empty
when I turn up the dial,
I know I am alone now
but not forever
sealed off
in our own world
grab hold of me Sister,
the other half of myself
they will never know
how I loved you,
how i longed
as I breathe deep
and pull her close
I think of sleeping
so I close my eyes

Goodbye Gemini
you will be missed most
in a heart that's
half your own