Wat we talk about when we talk about Mom

I am my Mother's son
not that the kind that
shine, I do my best when
I can
I'm alright
but I'm not ok
Inhereted a
chemical romance
My, my, my
wat am I
to truly be?
Not this
Please not this
I'm so sick
of my goddamn self
I tire of my own show,
it's always reruns
I'm a lie
living jus to exist
and waste some value
I am not real
but my reality is
There are times I
feel as tho my 1st
memories were already
fabrications
fiction I lived
with every summer
season's end turning
to ashes
smokes out the sky
but now my sky
is liquid
They are taking my
possibility to enjoy
anything, ever
to fully embrace
the challenges,
mental they may be
I have 1 memory
of my true maker
and it's bad
but it's mine
it's wat I got-
her style, size, and attitude
Dad gave me
my temper
I jus didn't know how
to harness it
still don't really
Early buried trauma
helped make me this
and She is really
only a picture in a book
or a character in a
story, some where
I'm there but not present
too young to recall
I was totally pure then
there was not rot
before my memories started
Truthfully it was a
strange sort of gift
I embraced that life ends
I wasn't scared after
and death has always felt
like a safety blanket
I no longer feel cheated-
I jus don't believe in "God"
Thank You Elaine
Did I miss out on it?
No question
we would've been
the best worst duo
however the universe decided
that it wasn't to be
I don't believe in
an after life
but I like
to think You look over me
thoughts of my inner child
who wants so much to
believe...and tries to
Do you believe?
It doesn't matter
it's mine to hold,
deep inside
truly deeper than love
buried in my bad thoughts
so no one can find it
I'll share wat I want,
when I want
Jus like She would
I carry on for Her
the legacy of a lost soul
who everyone seems to love,
sincerely seeming to
not jus cuz she's dead
In darkest moments,
I feel the pang
I gently touch the hole
that's always been in my heart
I think of every wrong thing I ever did
and wonder if you jus let me
Learning for myself
and failing frequently
I don't want to
feel this way forever
but middle age approaches
and I'm not ready
I'm not an adult
I'm kinda jus nothing
not dust in the wind,
more like
dirt in your teeth
I ask myself
did You ever hate
Yourself?
photos show you smile
eyes squinted selfie
before it exsisted,
often found with
a drink and
great t-shirts that I envy
I wish we could have
been best friends
instead I jus get stuck with your's
Thank You Elaine
See? I have Her humor
I have Her taste for
entertainment and books
I don't have Her intelligence
but I have one thing better
I have one this You didn't
I had Your undying love
til the day You died
even if I don't remember
it's always there
it's wat guides me
You are my North Star
an intangible Polaris
who enjoyed Northern Lights
Thank You Elaine
for being cool
it gave me the only chance
I ever had
it was a hand-me-down
I had to grow into it
Now I hafta grow
up and as a person
guide me in Your
very strange way
this is my way of asking
Someone I feel I
never met
but I'm in stories
with, who I am
but am I real?
Is anything or anything Is?
Is it all a hologram? Implanted?
Is it a coma fantasy?
Are we jus an animal's dream?
Do sheep dream acoustic androids?
Am I making sense?
Not at all-
thus my point
I bet You wore
existenstialism well
I know Dad doesn't
You're inability to stay
fostered in me a
slow burning grasp that
this life, shit or not
it's all a mystery
a journey to some end
riddled with ups,lows
pain and confusion,
feeling alone and scared
it's the reason they
created alcohol
happy is hard so
We are all on drugs
we truly need vices
You understood this
Thank You Elaine
She lived, and still does
I wish I had Your strength
and we were sharing
a cigarette, smiling
so I light this one for Her
thinking to myself-
I Love You Mom
I Miss You
Thank You Elaine
exhale and extinguish,
empty my ashtray

where was June?

I was adrift
lost in my head
Floating on,
Falling down
then I saw you
caiught your eye
and I loved the
way you looked at me
finally I feel
redemption, salvation
is possible
Jesus Christ, girl,
has never seen anyone
so perfect
I die for your sin
and carry this cross
Grind my teeth as I bare
it, all broken yet
I still want to smile
I want to feel warm
I want so much to believe
I want the american dream
I want the potential nightmare
I want this
I want you

still KIDS

I can feel you withdraw
with every drawback
It's a symptom
the chronic illness
of the daily world
Duality and symmetrical
we all live 2 lives
feet planted apart
It keeps us together
Humanity makes no
sense to me
but I don't think there's blame
to place
it's inherent vice
Chaos undefined
the random plot points
twists and turns
we can never know
Jus play guessing games
Sometimes the path of the night
is completely altered by a
quick car ride
when I come in
she cuts me down with
Ice Blues
aloof and suspicious
Asking questions
she already could answer
I try to explain
the unpredictability of life
Destiny turns on the radio,
you listen to the song
Rusty and high
I fail my philosophy exam
I know I made sense to her
at some points at least
but she dismissed them
and I can't make much case
She's only so mad
at my state
but I saw the look
in her eyes,
cold and deep set
It send a clear message
her eyes told me
she wasn't in the mood
to listen to my incessant,
inane chatter
my trite lectures
and never ending side stories
I can't blame her
I wouldn't enjoy it myself
I tell her
No need to be so dark
plus
I hate competing
with you
A flash of faint smile
and I leave her be....
for a lil while at least

To love is to die
but its better than 100 lives
that lived to old age
It's more perfect

good good things that are bad for me

Needless of the needles,
I need less of these pills
Dream stealing spansules
that's removes my chill
Try to remain still
maybe it won't bite
wait it out there's
So many hours in the night
2 hand flick me off
mocking me with tik tok
Socks it to me
with every half watched movie
and a night of flight
with thoughts unruly
It chose me to love
and when I try to pull back
It pushes to the edge
and hopes that I'll crack
an unfulfilled wish
that somehow contributes
to my hopelessness
Hopesick and close to home
I opened all my veins
I let you in my heart
and you left me in remains
Now I am piecing scraps
left behind
Looking for a part
I know I'll never find
Jus carry on
and get along
Remember everyday is
is a new day for it to all go wrong
get lost in yourself
deep inside
and mourn the missing
and things that died
Stay medicated
Stay alive
and wait the dawn's coming
slowly slipping,
tripping, out my mind

holidazed and Confused

green burns
and it's brighter than Xmas
better than a Bday
fucked up like
a New Year
explodes in you
like July 4th
midnight on Halloween
and you eat
like Thanksgiving
Easter candy
is no match
for unMemorial Day

a 4/20 Valentine

generation joint

6 a.m. Saturday
I stepping into crisp morning
april but not yey 20
my head full of tranqs
lungs full of THC
my stomach dissolving
my last sip of beer
I go to find Ms Green
at watever trippy scene
if she's therethen
the others are frustrated
Bored in the USA
I jus want to wander
barefoot in the woods
despite the chill,
the idea feels cool
instead I return to the
oppression of indoors
my spirit stays high
but caged
and i take more medicine
and remember who it is
I truly love

(fruit-flavored weed + four .5 pink K-punch)= Fruit Punch

you can kiss my mouth
I'll down my beer
using it to swallow
K marked pills
taken by K-Mart people
we lean in
like the dirtiest of South
but we both kno this
is all downhill
and about falling
it's reflected in our eyes
we made it out
but the otherside
was only worse
jus a tattered American flag
and burnt out fireworks
you and I attempt to keep a dead
celebration alive and kicking
but we are not AMPlified
we went so many miles
now maybe we should sleep
entwine in narcotic slumber,
wait out the dull early a.m.
fuck the dawn
it kills the mood
she rolls me a smoke
tho she doesn't want
extinguish my cigarette
in our ashtray monument
we walk empty,
decacent streets
riff raff and trash and us
I overt my eyes
pull you closer
safety/teamwork
I swallow another K dot

(Dr. I might be certifiable
but I'd surely die, alone from her)

and tell her she's my only one
She smiles,
replying that I have the
Darkest Eyes           
door reached, stairs ascended
light on, blinding after bar neon
she drains her last vodka nip
then went to pee
(for the 11th time)
I changed and went to
our room, where I
put 'Aladin Sane' on
sit on the bed, eyes fuzzed
I light the paper
breathe, jus breathe
a botanical taste fills
my mouth
light cough repeat
astral projections
and feelings of
connects and neurons
she comes in to room
her warpaint applied
I exhale, she
socks it to me
my heart swells,
my brain swirls
then we embrace
side to side
and we kiss
her cherry lips graze
my strawberry ones
and
in that moment
time stops fully
and we never unfreeze
we stay this way
til we wake
bake in early heat
the sun was high
so was I,
her also
and it's all I ever dreamed of...
even in my sleepless nights