alcohol, painkillers, and the search for a better song

the whole house smells
like beer and cigarettes
and pancakes that
we made at 4 am
at least I think
I'm can't quite recall
the end of the night,
but I know how
it all began
sniffing blues away
drinking thru my pain
and I need to find
a different song
one that fits the mood
all my fav people
are in attendance
except maybe one
or two, so tonight
I'm not dancing alone
instead I'm
like no one's watching
plus I'm confident
tomorrow I won't
remember
I can't stand myself
but I love all of you
in this moment,
this time
and this song
we all sing along to
is so perfect
so you pack a bowl
I'll get another drink
maybe piss in the bush
we've been steadily
killing all summer
trashy and teenaged
except we
are far too old
but we don't have
to act it tonight
let's jus keep
drinking, smoking, moving
to a better beat
one that's our own
searching the dial
again and again
and again
til I get it jus right
I wish I had known
that these were
the glory days
we never felt
the air rush out,
tho deep down
we knew it was
an inevitability
nothing bronze can stay
life has changed
too much now
all this distance hurts
and I'm still stuck
remembering a time
when I dared
to try and
touch the sun
and while it ultimately
was a failure,
at least we got
high enough to try

CCH I LOVE Y'ALL ALWAYS

 

Vena no Amoris

Self-imposed fugitives
hiding out in the
land of Nod
we, the midnight riders
in broad daylight
instinctual survival
relying on wits
we can build a
tent in the living room
and draw blood
til we're dead tired
delusional fantasies
where we play pretend
we wander, laugh a lot
happy idiots and
life's a broken down
amusement park
the ride's still spinning
lights, camera, acting
as if we're ok
god's whisper is
jus background music
but the devil's
our theme song
all these strange encounters
starring 2 lost souls
roll credits then fade to
empty gestures, wasted spaces
Inside joke is
we're kidding ourselves
this foundation crumbling
into the flood
we slip, slow drowning
there's a lesson here
about trust and
why you shouldn't
jus couldn't see it
clearly, thru the
shared saliva, wiped off plasma
a partnership frayed and
so barely held together
I can own up
to my share of the undoing
we could keep running
holes poked thru
our souls, fractured
trying to remain intact
However it won't
be long before they
catch up, catch us
and throw me away
in the dog pound
but wat's new pussycat?
sold it all out
for the price of spite
a hefty cost
smile revealed deadly fangs
pumped poison to bloodstream
killing the heart
I guess your mask
hid more than mine

'driFtINg, FallINg'

I think being here alone
is starting to get to me
an onset of
Stockholm cabin fever
where I'm chained
to the root of this
bourgeoning and
furthering insanity
I have taken to
singing surreal songs
aloud and alone
on mundane things
I'm doing
Lynchian takes on
pointless tasks
I'm not sure if it
was the drugs
or the isolation
that found me
having a full blown
narrative conversation
at 5:30 am that lasted til
7 in the morning
7 in the morning
7 in the morning
I've been comfortably
medicated more often
but never is it enough
to hold ghosts at bay
doing reckless things
on strange combinations
trying to soak it all in
struggling to figure
it out, getting so
caught up in my head
wrapped around
being warped
contemplating considerable
damage that no hands
could ever repair
at 3am your demons
find you home alone
they are vast
you are vulnerable
the walls may not hold
as the distractions
grow smaller
sporadic off-key
drug usage and the
infrequent, short
visits you get
can only make a dent
in the grand scheme of
minutes ticking vs
time alone
in a half empty house
with limited entertainment forever
and a quickly moving
Sell-By date
every hour I can feel my
resolve continue to
dissolve and I begin
to give in to
watever anxiety
this place is projecting
every bump I jump
middle of the night
waiting out the devil
tho I careless about
my soul to take
I got it on a street corner
it's jus a convincing fake
shaking hands with fate
always the sense of
imposing doom
a death by wait
wandering your home
as if you had
never been there
photographs of someone
else's family
in a time
that no longer exists
jus these keepsakes
and snapshots for the
mostly faded memories
more of a memorial  
than memorabilia
days gone bye
and the quick yet
somehow gradual
passage of time
where did the party
really go?
The fun this
family had
it has dwindled
and withered bare
seems less than a
whole speck remains
being replaced by
everyone rotting inside
now it's jus
a little faster
the constant uphill
battle, being fought
by the ill equipped
who know the scale
will never tip
there's more empty pill
bottles left behind here
than there was ever
silverware and cutlery
a testament to the
agonizing decay
of the body
and our will to live
hanging on by a thread
the pain of life has all
of us from here suffering
its spirit haunting
the walls and woodwork
the essence hovering
spitting back your
negative energy
feeding on your
continual decline
greeting the sun
almost every night
but who needs to rest?
you're far too busy
becoming slowly
sadly possessed
fucked up but not high
doing stranger things
out loud asking why
then giving an answer
and getting it wrong
all along, this home
watched us die

cabalina

of the essence
timing is everything
so seems either I
missed my cue
or my watch stopped,
allowing chance to
surpass me by
leaving this ghost
fuck you fates
for not taking
into account
certain facts such as
some wants never cease
thru calendar days
and phases of the moon
some desires always remain
pushed back
but not aside
some aches ingrain
they grow duller
not fade away
like polyester flowers
to the fashionable
sweet sick girl
I adore you
I wish I could squeeze
every drop of hurt
out of you
I would wear
your scars
added to my own
borne on my back
unrequited like
this yearn to embrace
and find myself lost in
your wide shining eyes
infected with the madness
tremble and quake
shiver and shake
I kneel before
this pulpit faithfully
bathed in your
holiest of waters
baptism by fire,
I burn for her
altar me
maybe I can be redeemed
if not saved...
wat could have been?
I can't call it
clock doesn't rewind
regardless of pleading
prayers on deaf ears
there's no blessing now
only this spiritual emptiness
my midnight self
bright and dark
but perhaps somewhere
in an alternate better place
some brave new world
we aren't scared
jus sacred
and I hold your hand
instead of your hair

Lydia R-Qu

hello Beautiful
you don't seem
so hot, slightly
under the weather even
fever not breaking?
bad luck girl
to find you acting
off a bit
Dizzy with disease,
this virus violent
you're always so
put together prior
well-placed and professional
admiration I pledge
to these ambitious notions
combined with a raw talent
your intense focus
singular goal and vision,
real eye for details
minus a few minute moments
the background scenes
but settings can be crucial
after all...
strange is the sensation
temperatures spike
seemingly out of nowhere
feeling a lil ill
sick to the stomach huh?
poor baby doll
sipped a false sweetness
swirling soothing normalcy
jus trying to
enjoy the warmth
now you sweat out sins
vomiting indiscretional
caustic fear, knowing
your end is nigh
Death at your doorstep
beware the one who knocks
and waits patient for
a response in time, which
it seems, you have precious
little left remaining
once you had all in the world
Darling this is real love
it's loathesome, greedy
murderous even
and it guarantees your mouth
is kept shut always
for your own good
well, not your's exactly
but definitely for good
may you sleep deep babe
six feet under the dirt
that I dug you
decay i-s-s me goodbye

Lemon Saccharine

There's a way to see
the gate to Heavens
It is to look upon
her eyes
in them, you can see
a clear day
and on a clear day,
you may see
Forever
4 Evers, as you are
Earth & Water,
Fire & Wind
She is shining
we rotate around
her warming glow
my SuperStar
I can be your Warhol
if you will be my Edie
we can be heroes
as long as our
love stays greedy
Green leaf and lush,
like a forest built...
jus... for....us
Only us, for
we are the only
we are the royalty
we are the dreamers
who can turn your Golden
into nightmares
It doesn't bother us,
we barely break a sweat
All it takes is a drop
of her strength
to feel untouchable,
Invincible at times
but no longer feeling invisible
or pointless
Every time there is a point
sometimes hard to gauge
but always it's gotten
There are still flaws-
always there will be bullets
that missed, and you
hope for a ricochet
No one is an island
unless self-created
these are only
temporary clogs
not enough to stop the cogs
so the gear is always delivered
We load up
nightmare fuel and
haunt you
We're secretly jus vacant
and we don't care
careless in this
that we make ourselves
sick over
one last caress
is all we truly want
All that's needed is her

Well, I Guess This Is Shutting Up

Scoundrels, all of you
Trust No One has
never been so alive
the world is
against us but as
of late it's even
more so me
Fuck did I do-
have a heart?
and feelings
of true affection?
Now I'm affected
infected, infested
with the bullshit
pouring out mouths
of so-called friends
who, in my so-called life,
don't deserve to
be my associates
they deserve to be
stuffed full of
the pure manure
that they spew
Now I allow my
days to be darkened
or hope to black
them out
cuz there's no painkiller
ever strong enough,
no pill can numb
me enough or
make me as dumb
as these fairweathers,
soaked in ether
They mean nothing,
so why am I
allowing this power?
I can't get sucked in
but down I am going
to a cold, lonely,
and dark place
where a version of
myself that I don't know
dwells and whispers,
filling my head up
combination of questions
and bad ideas
I jus wanna be
totally irrational
and do something I
might regret... might
Make them all float
I need to smoke something
to get out of my head
the rolling process is
soothing, as is the smoke
As always, while exhaling
I wonder to myself
'Why am I the asshole?'
because we have similar
interests and I get
to kiss her? Really?
She is an adult,
fully capable of making
her own decisions
and she did
She choose me
I feel so sorry
for your bad case of
unadulterated, unfiltered
jealousy... and honestly
it's jus sad
We are all adults here
I'm no worse or better
than any of you
except my motivations
are based on my heart
and my feelings, wat I
know is true
You jus want wat
you can't have
so you talk shit
cuz it's all you got
Oh plus
you already lost
Maybe try shutting
the fuck up
it'd prolly help you deal